The Best Sales Letter Ever Written? – Moz
Skip to content
Moz logo
Menu open
Menu close
Search
Products
Moz Pro
Moz Pro Home
Moz Local
Moz Local Home
STAT
Mozscape API
Free SEO Tools
Competitive Research
Link Explorer
Keyword Explorer
Domain Analysis
MozBar
More Free SEO Tools
Learn SEO
Beginner’s Guide to SEO
SEO Learning Center
Moz Academy
SEO Q&A
Webinars, Whitepapers, & Guides
Blog
Why Moz
Agency Solutions
Enterprise Solutions
Small Business Solutions
Case Studies
The Moz Story
New Releases
Log in
Log out
Products
Moz Pro
Your All-In-One Suite of SEO Tools
The essential SEO toolset: keyword research, link building, site audits, page optimization, rank tracking, reporting, and more.
Learn more
Try Moz Pro free
Moz Local
Complete Local SEO Management
Raise your local SEO visibility with easy directory distribution, review management, listing updates, and more.
Learn more
Check my presence
STAT
Enterprise Rank Tracking
SERP tracking and analytics for SEO experts, STAT helps you stay competitive and agile with fresh insights.
Learn more
Book a demo
Mozscape API
The Power of Moz Data via API
Power your SEO with the proven, most accurate link metrics in the industry, powered by our index of trillions of links.
Learn more
Get connected
Compare SEO Products
Free SEO Tools
Competitive Research
Competitive Intelligence to Fuel Your SEO Strategy
Gain intel on your top SERP competitors, keyword gaps, and content opportunities.
Find competitors
Link Explorer
Powerful Backlink Data for SEO
Explore our index of over 40 trillion links to find backlinks, anchor text, Domain Authority, spam score, and more.
Get link data
Keyword Explorer
The One Keyword Research Tool for SEO Success
Discover the best traffic-driving keywords for your site from our index of over 500 million real keywords.
Search keywords
Domain Analysis
Free Domain SEO Analysis Tool
Get top competitive SEO metrics like Domain Authority, top pages, ranking keywords, and more.
Analyze domain
MozBar
Free, Instant SEO Metrics As You Surf
Using Google Chrome, see top SEO metrics instantly for any website or search result as you browse the web.
Try MozBar
More Free SEO Tools
Learn SEO
Beginner’s Guide to SEO
The #1 most popular introduction to SEO, trusted by millions.
Read the Beginner’s Guide
How-To Guides
Step-by-step guides to search success from the authority on SEO.
See All SEO Guides
SEO Learning Center
Broaden your knowledge with SEO resources for all skill levels.
Visit the Learning Center
Moz Academy
Upskill and get certified with on-demand courses & certifications.
Explore the Catalog
On-Demand Webinars
Learn modern SEO best practices from industry experts.
View All Webinars
SEO Q&A
Insights & discussions from an SEO community of 500,000+.
Find SEO Answers
August 7-9, 2023
Lock in Super Early Bird savings for MozCon
Snag tickets
Blog
Why Moz
Small Business Solutions
Uncover insights to make smarter marketing decisions in less time.
Grow Your Business
The Moz Story
Moz was the first & remains the most trusted SEO company.
Read Our Story
Agency Solutions
Earn & keep valuable clients with unparalleled data & insights.
Drive Client Success
Case Studies
Explore how Moz drives ROI with a proven track record of success.
See What’s Possible
Enterprise Solutions
Gain a competitive edge in the ever-changing world of search.
Scale Your SEO
New Releases
Get the scoop on the latest and greatest from Moz.
See What’s New
New Feature: Moz Pro
Surface actionable competitive intel
Learn More
Log in
Moz Pro
Moz Local
Moz Local Dashboard
Mozscape API
Mozscape API Dashboard
Moz Academy
Avatar
Moz Home
Notifications
Account & Billing
Manage Users
Community Profile
My Q&A
My Videos
Log Out
By: Rand Fishkin
June 14, 2006
The Best Sales Letter Ever Written?
Online Advertising
The author’s views are entirely his or her own (excluding the unlikely event of hypnosis) and may not always reflect the views of Moz.
Gillian found this in an old stack of papers the other day. I thought I’d pass it along (read carefully):
Dear sir or madame or some sort of she-male women in suit;
Is your site crap? If you answer yes, Olga will help. If you answer no, you lie. Olga has seen your site. Is crap. Several problems with site. First of all, is written in one language. This is crap! Olga knows that best way to reach more clients is to write in many languages. For example, if site was also available in Chechnoslovenian language, 16 more people would be able to read and purchase items from site (was 17 more people, until Stinky Ivan drank too much vodka and tried to mate his bull with wild boar. God rest his soul). Imagine business from 16 more people! Is good, yes?
No. Is crap. Is crap because no one wants to buy product from your crappy site. This is your other big problem. Olga will fix. Site should sell many things, so people will not need to travel on “Superhighway” to other sites to find things they need. Olga has never seen superhighway, but traffic sounds worse than Ugstavich Street when Pachinka, one legged whore offered Yaking Day Special! Your site must offer all that Pachinka did and more. For example, what if customer think, “Ah, I wish to purchase refreshing beverage, warm sweater, and find romantic love all at one place! But where?” Olga has answer. Your site could be solution to customers problems. What to do? Sell mule online! Mule produce milk (refreshing beverage!), has thick coat (warm sweater!) and is mule (romantic love!). is answer to all problems.
olga has checked. your site only provides computer interface software to improve broadband operations (or handmade chocolates in shape of favorite civil war heros or some other crap). who the hell wants to cuddle with that?
Olga also did research. found domain name www.mule.com is still available. if you do not jump on this offer like the late Stinky Ivan jumped on Pachinka, one-legged whore, you are ignorant filth and i spit on your ancestors’ graves. If you think that Olga’s advice is good, then you pay Olga $67 krinkstoys (krinkstoy is currency of Chechnoslovenia. 1 krinkstoy = 4 liters of kerosene and one turnip). Please consider offer.
Thank you for your time which would otherwise be wasted if not spent on Olga, who will help bring sales to your company, Olga Nevishnikovstoyolavich
Obviously, it hasn’t been edited for political correctness but, neither has it undergone the creative stifling that is typical of modern sales literature. In all honesty, I don’t think I could say no to an email like this, even if it was spam.
I’ll check with the original author to see if they’d like to take credit.
With Moz Pro, you have the tools you need to get SEO right — all in one place.
Start your free trial!
Read Next
The New Best Practices for Native Advertising on Editorial Sites
Read this post
Programmatic Delivery: The Future of Content Marketing and Promotion?
Read this post
Context is King: A Million Examples of Creative Ad Campaigns Getting it Right
Read this post
Comments
Please keep your comments TAGFEE by following the community etiquette
Comments are closed. Got a burning question? Head to our Q&A section to start a new conversation.
Moz logo
Contact
Community
Free Trial
Terms & Privacy
Jobs
Help
News & Press
Copyright 2022 © Moz, Inc. All rights reserved.